WHEN STRANGERS MISTREAT CHILDREN IN PUBLIC
WHEN STRANGERS MISTREAT CHILDREN IN PUBLIC
WHAT A BYSTANDER CAN AND CANNOT DO TO HELP THE CHILDREN
our thanks to Janice from the Boston Area Nanny Support Group
The goal is to break the escalation of anger in the adult and stop the mistreatment of the child for the incident currently happening. Intervening may or may not influence the adult’s behavior for the future, but for the moment, that child is not being hit or demeaned. (We also hope for the ripple effect…that people observe you intervene, see how it can be done, and may then have the confidence to intervene in future situations. And perhaps a seed is planted in the out-of-control adult, who may decide to change his/her behavior toward a gentler path. S/he has seen you remain calm and supportive in a tense situation, and may think s/he can do that, too.)
First, take a deep breath and let it out. Release your own tension. This is a key point, and we kept coming back to it.
Generally, expressing disapproval of the mistreating adult does not help, and often makes the person angrier…increasing the likelihood that the child will be hurt, or will be hurt worse.
The recommended approach is to side with the adult, make her feel supported, and try to DEFUSE the tension. Say something you can sincerely say like, “Kids that age can be a handful”, or “What a beautiful child you have! How old is he?”, or even address the child first, “You sure are giving your mom a hard time.”, then, “I’m a nanny, and I’ve had kids act up in the store. It’s a lot of work to shop with a toddler.” and try to strike up a conversation, or offer help. (For instance, when a full carriage prevents the mom from putting a hyper child in it, “Would you like me to take him in my carriage?”) Sometimes this distraction can break the moment of anger and allow the chronically bad-parenting adult to move on. And the basically good parent who has “lost it” from being overwhelmed can feel connected and supported, and regain perspective.
Sometimes it helps to side with the parent via body language. Physically step up beside the parent and even (without actually touching) extend a hand in a gesture of support. It puts you in a supportive frame of mind to think of the right words, and tells the parent before you speak that you are there to help, not condemn.
MSPCC has excellent handouts (cards) that can be tucked into a purse and pulled out for reference when an incident is happening. Contact your local MSPCC (or SPCC, if out of state) and ask for “When Parents Mistreat their Kids in Public”, “Grocery Shopping with Kids Can be Fun”, and “Eating Out with Kids Can be Fun”. The cards can help you think of what to say or do, or can be handed to the adult after you connect, with a comment like “This really helped me…I can get another copy, you keep it.” MSPCC, 157 Green St., Jamaica Plain, MA 02130. Call 617-983-5826 or visit http://www.mspcc.org.
STATISTICALLY VERY FEW people intervene at all when they see/hear a child being mistreated. And when they do, it is mostly by glaring or saying something disapproving, which makes the angry person embarrassed and likely to take that out on the child as well. Most people feel completely helpless to say or do anything, and look away.
Any time that a child is being clearly abused (hit, kicked, etc), call the police. But we discussed seeing an adult whose manner says s/he clearly escalates habitually –should we stand by and let that person get out of control, rather than intervene to defuse, so there will be witnesses and the police and DCS will be able to save the child from future abuse in private? The MSPCC speaker said it is better to defuse the current situation. The reality is that too many times the authorities cannot act because of insufficient evidence, too-large caseloads, too few foster families, etc. Even with all those witnesses, an investigation can result in the child being left with the parent, who is by then enraged by the negative attention from the authorities “because of the child”. By intervening now, you have the chance to do the most good. People will see you intervene and gain confidence, and they may intervene the next time. Even a hardened mistreater may start to think about his/her behavior…s/he sees you in what is clearly a stressful situation taking a breath and calming defusing it. S/he may take a lesson from your example, or may take a cumulative lesson after others who have learned from your example intervene in the same way during future incidents. A safe child for the present, and a ripple effect, is our hope.
There will be situations in which you don’t feel you can intervene at all. No one, even the professionals, can intervene every time. Maybe the mistreating adult is physically intimidating, and you fear being attacked if you speak up. Maybe you’re worn out from your own cares or a long workday, and don’t have it in you to dredge up support at that moment. Follow your instincts and forgive yourself if you can’t step up to the plate at that moment. No one can save the world, we are only human. All we can do is what we actually can do at a given moment, and no more.
There are additional tips available at http://www.childabuse.com
When you are telling somebody something that they may not want to hear, this formula helps you to communicate clearly and in a way in which you take responsibility for your point of view:
I feel ----------(feeling)
about ---------- (specific incident or aspect)
because ---------- (principle or idea)
For instance,
“I feel worried about the yelling because you seem to be under so much stress.”
Again, however, follow your instincts. The above formula is a more gentle way to give criticism, but it is criticism and an out-of-control person may go off even more if approached in this way. To learn this technique in more depth, or to practice it with others, consider joining one of the free workshops “How to Tell Somebody Something They’d Rather Not Hear” given by PARENTS FORUM. Their workshops are open to everyone, and caregivers are very welcome. http://www.parentsforum.org
Notes from 6/18/05 FREE WORKSHOP
sponsored by BOSTON AREA NANNY SUPPORT GROUP
Presenters: Stephanie Collins from Mass. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (http://www.mspcc.org), and Eve Sullivan, founder of Parents Forum (http://www.parentsforum.org/) and developer of the workshop "How to Tell Something They'd Rather Not Hear")
WHAT A BYSTANDER CAN AND CANNOT DO TO HELP THE CHILDREN
our thanks to Janice from the Boston Area Nanny Support Group
The goal is to break the escalation of anger in the adult and stop the mistreatment of the child for the incident currently happening. Intervening may or may not influence the adult’s behavior for the future, but for the moment, that child is not being hit or demeaned. (We also hope for the ripple effect…that people observe you intervene, see how it can be done, and may then have the confidence to intervene in future situations. And perhaps a seed is planted in the out-of-control adult, who may decide to change his/her behavior toward a gentler path. S/he has seen you remain calm and supportive in a tense situation, and may think s/he can do that, too.)
First, take a deep breath and let it out. Release your own tension. This is a key point, and we kept coming back to it.
Generally, expressing disapproval of the mistreating adult does not help, and often makes the person angrier…increasing the likelihood that the child will be hurt, or will be hurt worse.
The recommended approach is to side with the adult, make her feel supported, and try to DEFUSE the tension. Say something you can sincerely say like, “Kids that age can be a handful”, or “What a beautiful child you have! How old is he?”, or even address the child first, “You sure are giving your mom a hard time.”, then, “I’m a nanny, and I’ve had kids act up in the store. It’s a lot of work to shop with a toddler.” and try to strike up a conversation, or offer help. (For instance, when a full carriage prevents the mom from putting a hyper child in it, “Would you like me to take him in my carriage?”) Sometimes this distraction can break the moment of anger and allow the chronically bad-parenting adult to move on. And the basically good parent who has “lost it” from being overwhelmed can feel connected and supported, and regain perspective.
Sometimes it helps to side with the parent via body language. Physically step up beside the parent and even (without actually touching) extend a hand in a gesture of support. It puts you in a supportive frame of mind to think of the right words, and tells the parent before you speak that you are there to help, not condemn.
MSPCC has excellent handouts (cards) that can be tucked into a purse and pulled out for reference when an incident is happening. Contact your local MSPCC (or SPCC, if out of state) and ask for “When Parents Mistreat their Kids in Public”, “Grocery Shopping with Kids Can be Fun”, and “Eating Out with Kids Can be Fun”. The cards can help you think of what to say or do, or can be handed to the adult after you connect, with a comment like “This really helped me…I can get another copy, you keep it.” MSPCC, 157 Green St., Jamaica Plain, MA 02130. Call 617-983-5826 or visit http://www.mspcc.org.
STATISTICALLY VERY FEW people intervene at all when they see/hear a child being mistreated. And when they do, it is mostly by glaring or saying something disapproving, which makes the angry person embarrassed and likely to take that out on the child as well. Most people feel completely helpless to say or do anything, and look away.
Any time that a child is being clearly abused (hit, kicked, etc), call the police. But we discussed seeing an adult whose manner says s/he clearly escalates habitually –should we stand by and let that person get out of control, rather than intervene to defuse, so there will be witnesses and the police and DCS will be able to save the child from future abuse in private? The MSPCC speaker said it is better to defuse the current situation. The reality is that too many times the authorities cannot act because of insufficient evidence, too-large caseloads, too few foster families, etc. Even with all those witnesses, an investigation can result in the child being left with the parent, who is by then enraged by the negative attention from the authorities “because of the child”. By intervening now, you have the chance to do the most good. People will see you intervene and gain confidence, and they may intervene the next time. Even a hardened mistreater may start to think about his/her behavior…s/he sees you in what is clearly a stressful situation taking a breath and calming defusing it. S/he may take a lesson from your example, or may take a cumulative lesson after others who have learned from your example intervene in the same way during future incidents. A safe child for the present, and a ripple effect, is our hope.
There will be situations in which you don’t feel you can intervene at all. No one, even the professionals, can intervene every time. Maybe the mistreating adult is physically intimidating, and you fear being attacked if you speak up. Maybe you’re worn out from your own cares or a long workday, and don’t have it in you to dredge up support at that moment. Follow your instincts and forgive yourself if you can’t step up to the plate at that moment. No one can save the world, we are only human. All we can do is what we actually can do at a given moment, and no more.
There are additional tips available at http://www.childabuse.com
When you are telling somebody something that they may not want to hear, this formula helps you to communicate clearly and in a way in which you take responsibility for your point of view:
I feel ----------(feeling)
about ---------- (specific incident or aspect)
because ---------- (principle or idea)
For instance,
“I feel worried about the yelling because you seem to be under so much stress.”
Again, however, follow your instincts. The above formula is a more gentle way to give criticism, but it is criticism and an out-of-control person may go off even more if approached in this way. To learn this technique in more depth, or to practice it with others, consider joining one of the free workshops “How to Tell Somebody Something They’d Rather Not Hear” given by PARENTS FORUM. Their workshops are open to everyone, and caregivers are very welcome. http://www.parentsforum.org
Notes from 6/18/05 FREE WORKSHOP
sponsored by BOSTON AREA NANNY SUPPORT GROUP
Presenters: Stephanie Collins from Mass. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (http://www.mspcc.org), and Eve Sullivan, founder of Parents Forum (http://www.parentsforum.org/) and developer of the workshop "How to Tell Something They'd Rather Not Hear")
